“He didn't listen to a word I said. I might as well have been talking to a wall.” “I think I could have talked until I was blue in the face – it would not have changed a thing – he wasn't really listening at all.”
Have you ever felt this way? Have you been part of a conversation that felt more like a monologue? If a leader wants to express how much he/she values another person, providing a genuine listening ear is critical. Telling someone that you value them is one thing, but to really listen to their ideas, thoughts, concerns, and suggestions really proves the value they hold in your life. It is the ear of the leader that expresses the worth he/she places on others.
Notice the priority that the Bible places on the art of listening: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” James 1:19.
So what kind of skills does a leader need to communicate with his/her ears? I would suggest three ideas wrapped-up in the phrase: receptive, non-judgmental listening. This posting will deal with the first concept – receptivity.
An effective leader listens with an open mind and open arms. A good listener has the ability to put aside assumptions and presuppositions while opening up the gate of understanding. Open arms do not mean that the leader will agree with what is being said, but that he/she is open to hearing and understanding the other person's perspective without condemnation or rejection.
So often, when I am talking to others, I get the impression that they are just waiting for me to finish so that they can say what's on their minds. And I have to admit that it takes a great deal of effort to really listen to others when I think I know what they need to hear. A leader must strive to develop a sensitive ear; one that listens between the lines; one that hears the heart and not just the lips; one that seeks the meaning beneath the surface.
Part of receptive listening is reflecting a readiness for change. If you think that you are talking to someone who is only being polite and, in reality, has already made up his/her mind, you will find yourself very frustrated, or very angry, or both – if the leader's decision is already a “done deal” and what you have to say will not make a difference, then he/she has surely communicated the lack of value he/she places on your opinions. An effective leader tries to maintain a flexible agenda and an open mind. If a decision has already been made or if additional input is not going to bring about change, the leader should value the person enough to share this reality up front and not give the impression of openness and receptivity.
Receptivity takes time and is often needed at the most inconvenient moments. It's much like being a parent. To be effective as a parent, you must be ready and available to listen to your children. Some children love to talk to mom and dad and sharing with them is as natural as breathing in the warm spring breeze after a cold winter. Other children hold most of life inside and answer the inquiries of their parents with simple one-syllable responses. Then, every once in a while, they are ready to talk and share what is going on inside, The parent must be ready to listen, even if it is 11:30 pm after a long day at work, or 1:00 am after that special date. I call this the “Kodak Moment of Listening.” You never know when the moment is going to present itself, but your readiness and receptivity to listening will determine your effectiveness and success.
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